my notebook


taking stock of everything i've done and it's really powerful to see the river flow like that, all the riverbeds i shaped so the water could move as it needed to


the veil is thin? wear a bell
or bright color, to say hello to creator

songwriting is so funky, it's the ritual, craft, food, and medium that is most important to my soul, one of the most secure relationships i have

and yet the splinters of my ego interrupts the harmony i wish to have with music
often i cannot listen to music for the energies of other musicians are so strong
and my auric field so flimsy...

i love listening to my friend's music but even then, i do so intermittently and selectively

i think there is more to learn about my contamination fears how they interact with the internet
how many times others have cultivated parasocial relationships with me leave me wary and resistant to ''listening'' and ''connecting'' to another person from afar

plugging into the jukebox of the road
catch you all later!

03/4/22 Reinterrogating what it means to be patient - if I orient towards patience, I orient away from the moment I am in. Why do I think there is a better place to be? Why should I be anywhere else but where I am? From where does my insistence come? Why valorize the future when the moment I am in will nourish me, if only I were to let it?

02/25/22 Certainly the oboe line in Mozart's Serenade No. 10 was divined by and from angels, and there is no argument accessible to us sublunar humans regarding this.

02/20/22 Dr. Levine says the foundational elements of secure relationships include consistency (do these friends drift in and out of my life on a whim), availability (how available are they to spend time together), reliability (can i count on them if i need something), responsiveness (do they reply to my emails and texts, do i hear from them on a consistent basis), & predictability (can i count on them to act in a certain way). & he says feeling like you should be more chill and not need these things is a way to fight against your own biology. How I relish in the newfound skills of saying no with a peaceful smile to the beautiful people whose love I desire who are not in a place that allows me to alchemize anything secure with them. Say no to say yes to others - not keeping looking in the direction of the unavailable for love, that method is a totalizing and ruining project. I have found the greatest presence of choice upon realizing I am not at the mercy of the inconsistent

--- So the life-long journey, when surrounded by abundance, is also acting in accordance with it, being good to one another, working towards security, not sabotaging, saying yes to alchemizing for love

02/19/22 Life gets longer when you agree to its demands