In my head, a gradient of horses collapsing across a wooden field. The wind breaks the tall grass, screaming quietly, something about invisible knives.
x
Nonmonogamy puts me in a position where I am - sometimes in a grueling way, sometimes in a miraculous way - healing my core wounds. The circle of monogamy has cut me and my wounds back open whenever I’ve tried. This is in addition to all the other reasons why nonmonogamy suits my heart. When the structure of my life continues to invite me to be known intimately by multiple people with no obligatory parameters, my childhood sense that only able to be understood by one (my caretaker) and am thus misunderstood & unseen by everyone else, which produces an acutely painful separation anxiety between me and whomever “most intimately” cares for my heart, begins to dissolve and float into the air. Monogamy is too much like salt. Biting. Grappling. I cannot show up in kinship when I am fighting in the circle. There is no “most” in nonmonogamy - this understanding challenges me to dismantle the wound that needs a “most” too. I’ve abandoned my friends when I’ve let my life reflect too deeply my own abandonment. In my life it is true that many people care for me, take care of me, consensually and sweetly glide in and out of roles, different people illuminate the different parts of me at different levels. Without clinging to outcome or shape all types of deep knowing continue to be possible