February 26th, 2021: No one needs celebrity to create a fantasy about themselves
Of course our feelings exist to be interacted with, to be expressed, to give our bodies and minds usefulness, our feelings complete us. I feel sad, can make my face and body look sad, can catch the attention of someone near me, can incite conversation, can participate in the journey of endless movement and everlasting change with someone else. Same with pleasure, anger, hunger, joy, all visitors traveling and lighting up pathways. Giving me a way to connect and relate and give and receive. Feelings are to be experienced and interacted with, never ignored. I move with my feelings to keep things whole. And it so fucking pains me to witness self-silencing because I am still irrevocably connected to all the years I spent making decisions that were not in service to supporting my life here on Earth. I am grateful that the task I was given was to stay
When I read this poem from 2019 to Amy, she decisively said "it's so dark" and I smiled and nodded in the somber way I do.
"One foot first"
I’ll do it tomorrow when it’s dark
It will not be an empty act
I will step into the oil drum and
You will not even try to grip me
It is simply my opinion but shit catches up with you, and no amount of concealing can obscure a tree in totality. Someone will see the viscous network below your feet, someone will see the venous paper-thin leaves, someone will feel your rotting wooden insides. If the light keeps forcing you back to your childhood, you should go
Phone notes: a methodology for refusal, a list of sensory overwhelms, a long and winding unspoken share from AA meeting, dreams about Lillith, who handed me an embossed golden book, a little white dog, a twin bed, gratitude prayer for this growth cycle, an herb blend for Corey
Effie handed me a gilded and effusive compliment and I glittered (part of the growth cycle: going outside feels like posing in bondage). Human beings are not built in silence; love - transposed feelings, action arranged in accordance with the transposition, declaration of intent, extension of will for sake of mutual nourishment - allows us to be loud.
I don’t like Paulo Freire’s distinction between humans and animals; I am devoted to being responsible for myself and to acknowledging that my circumstances are my own, inform my movement, must be communicated to be known by others, but we are all also deeply a part of each other’s circumstances, must take equal responsibility for one another to truly be in accordance with love. Animal activity and wisdom is creative, profound, transformative, permanently affecting… obviously? If we turn away from the instruction of non-human animals, we lose touch with feeling, focus on ideas only (and ideas are... "there are no new ideas, only new ways of making them felt")
Foam of my Pisces placements rising to the top
I know now I could never remain untouched, and I forgive myself for the things I didn’t accept before. Every encounter refers me away from myself, back to myself, away again. Every time I let go, thousands of lifetimes show me new dreams. Thousands of lifetimes show me myriad beings. The losses can barely fit inside my mouth but now the past flashes upward at every instance of word. I renounce my past silence, what I allowed to remain invisible, unpinned, halved and unwhole, consolatory.
I wrote in 2019: "I’m in a world imagined. And it’d be unimaginable until now. Unbelievable how the world will always be new to me. I always want to lose my heart in it."